naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
I havnt been this mad since the coche de Los murtos incident
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
Randomize
