i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
Randomize
