My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
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