Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
Sext me about skeletons
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
