I'm laying in your front yard are you home
We better get laid next semester cause I prayed hard
I even walked 30 feet with my eyes closed from two love rocks so that we get some cock
I haven't been this sober since birth.
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
Randomize
