Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
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