My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
