She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
Randomize
