I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
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