Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
