Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
lol earlier she was acting like a normal gf... and then BANG! shes touching herself again...
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
Randomize
