dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
