I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
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