Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Randomize
