he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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