they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
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