in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
Randomize
