mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
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