we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
I checked into jail on foursquare
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Randomize
