No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
