i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
Randomize
