my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
