Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
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