but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
this hospital has no fireball
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
Randomize
