Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Randomize
