why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
So J keeps drinking his last bit of drink, then spitting it out and drinks it again. Savor the flavor?
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
Randomize
