shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
Randomize
