I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
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