I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
I am mentally ready for anal.
Randomize
