you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
Agreed. Everyone should experience a blackout before 3pm in their lifetime.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
