I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
Randomize
