you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
I have fence marks all over my body
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
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