You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
Woke up backwards on a recliner
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
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