best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
I think not having bongs in close range is good for my academia
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
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