If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
A bitchslap is in order.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
Randomize
