I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
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