I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
Randomize
