What do they do with the elephants that die at the zoo
Cremation, why do you ask?
I think we have a bit of a problem
Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
The convent might be a nice break from real life
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
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