Old men and throwing up are my life now.
I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
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