the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
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