I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
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