We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
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