Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
I too understand the importance of cheesy bread
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
