So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
Nutrition teacher wants anything i eat or drink documented for the week including dancefestopia. Do you know the recommended daily ammount of psylicybin or MDMA?
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
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