You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
Randomize
