dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
