someone threw a dead crab at me
I'm going to rape someone's good day.
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
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