connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
