Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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