i'm watching the fashion show on bravo
you're cheating on project runway?
if you can't score coke, you buy crack.
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Randomize
