The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
Just took my first sake bomb. I love japan
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
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