Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
Randomize
