Ok so my english teacher told me i could have 5 absences bc of my "problem". I have no idea what she is talking about
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
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